Sunday, May 30, 2010
RIP Dinosaur Jury
It's time to prematurely shutter Dinosaur Jury's meteoric rise to prominence, and Kyle Byers [pictured above] is fully to blame. Grin. He can now be found here doing this. He created a custom icon that appears next to his blog's name. He's very proud of it, so be sure to compliment him.
Thanks for checking us out. We had a blast. I'll be this-a-way, blogging to my baby.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Summons: I'm Single
Track: I'm Single
Album: No Ceilings
Artist: Lil' Wayne
Randy: A feature of his 2009 mixtape, No Ceilings, Weezy/Lil' Weezy/Weezy F. Baby grates his way onto Dinosaur Jury once again, largely due to the release of a mixed-lo-fi-and-stock-model-footage video. Tired as I am of this guy's prolificacy, I'm oh so pleasantly surprised by I'm Single's heavy-lidded, REM-sleep instrumental and lean-back attitude. Verdict: [B+]
Kyle: Lil' Wayne breaks new sonic ground with this R&B snoozer, backed by an instrumental track so hypnotic and slow it sounds like it's actually running backward. Sighing, synthetic muted brass tones cast a depressing shadow over the entire song, even as Weezy lays out his exploits in terms like "I falls in that p*ssy like quicksand." I'm not used to Wayne putting me to sleep, much less breaking my heart, but he succeeds in doing both in this relationship dirge disguised as an anthem to philandering. Verdict: [B+]
Album: No Ceilings
Artist: Lil' Wayne
Randy: A feature of his 2009 mixtape, No Ceilings, Weezy/Lil' Weezy/Weezy F. Baby grates his way onto Dinosaur Jury once again, largely due to the release of a mixed-lo-fi-and-stock-model-footage video. Tired as I am of this guy's prolificacy, I'm oh so pleasantly surprised by I'm Single's heavy-lidded, REM-sleep instrumental and lean-back attitude. Verdict: [B+]
Kyle: Lil' Wayne breaks new sonic ground with this R&B snoozer, backed by an instrumental track so hypnotic and slow it sounds like it's actually running backward. Sighing, synthetic muted brass tones cast a depressing shadow over the entire song, even as Weezy lays out his exploits in terms like "I falls in that p*ssy like quicksand." I'm not used to Wayne putting me to sleep, much less breaking my heart, but he succeeds in doing both in this relationship dirge disguised as an anthem to philandering. Verdict: [B+]
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Dinos break 1M glass ceiling
Randy: With no small help from our childishly differing opinions and playground spats, Dinosaur Jury has broken the 1 million global ranking mark in Alexa. I have no idea if I said that correctly. Kyle will be in here in a moment to add a bunch of hyphens to that statement. But as an added bonus, we're now more relevant in the United States than five other websites owned by our day job corporate masters. Sux0r it, Musician.com, Giardinelli, PrivateReserveGuitar, GuitarSale, and 4lyons. Not bad for a month-and-a-half's worth of pithy arguments.
Kyle: But we can't take full credit for our massive victory. No, a slice of our popularity pie must be served to you, our loyal audience. If it weren't for you, quivering with anticipation each day, your hungry mouths frothing anxiously to see what we "genius bloggers" will come up with next, we could never have toppled the mighty beasts of e-commerce Randy mentions above.
So while he and I will each take a bow and accept your gifts, we do so with humble hearts. For though there is only room for two thrones in this castle, the kingdom, truly, is owned by its peasants.
Kyle: But we can't take full credit for our massive victory. No, a slice of our popularity pie must be served to you, our loyal audience. If it weren't for you, quivering with anticipation each day, your hungry mouths frothing anxiously to see what we "genius bloggers" will come up with next, we could never have toppled the mighty beasts of e-commerce Randy mentions above.
So while he and I will each take a bow and accept your gifts, we do so with humble hearts. For though there is only room for two thrones in this castle, the kingdom, truly, is owned by its peasants.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Hung Jury: "Airplanes, Part II"
Track: Airplanes, Part II [feat. Eminem and Hayley Williams of Paramore]
Album: B.o.B Presents: The Adventures of Bobby Ray
Artist: B.o.B
Randy: Best parts of this B.o.B track are the guest appearances. Hayley Williams has a guttural passion in her hook, and Eminem has a hungry-stomach delivery that's been missing for some time now. Em only comes in on the last verse, but easily makes himself the 51-percent shareholder of the track. Verdict: [B-]
Kyle: Upon a first listen, I'm not super impressed. I'll hit it again.
Randy: Nah. Might be too poppy for you. I was putting it into a "Run This Town" Kanye West kinda category, though not quite the monster that that one was.
Kyle: Nope, not too poppy. Just not strong enough. I'll hit it again.
Randy: Yeah, well, dude's #7 on Billboard's R&B/Hip-Hop chart, so you go ahead and get back to me on what would be "strong enough" for your pop sensibilities KTHXBYE.
Kyle: I like it when people claim popularity as proof of a song's high quality. Especially when those people are smart enough to know better.
Randy: I like backhanded compliments. No, really.
Kyle: I like handsome-but-irritable half-Filipino coworkers.
Randy: That's a rather specific demographic you indicate. Yet I accept your apology.
Album: B.o.B Presents: The Adventures of Bobby Ray
Artist: B.o.B
Randy: Best parts of this B.o.B track are the guest appearances. Hayley Williams has a guttural passion in her hook, and Eminem has a hungry-stomach delivery that's been missing for some time now. Em only comes in on the last verse, but easily makes himself the 51-percent shareholder of the track. Verdict: [B-]
Kyle: Upon a first listen, I'm not super impressed. I'll hit it again.
Randy: Nah. Might be too poppy for you. I was putting it into a "Run This Town" Kanye West kinda category, though not quite the monster that that one was.
Kyle: Nope, not too poppy. Just not strong enough. I'll hit it again.
Randy: Yeah, well, dude's #7 on Billboard's R&B/Hip-Hop chart, so you go ahead and get back to me on what would be "strong enough" for your pop sensibilities KTHXBYE.
Kyle: I like it when people claim popularity as proof of a song's high quality. Especially when those people are smart enough to know better.
Randy: I like backhanded compliments. No, really.
Kyle: I like handsome-but-irritable half-Filipino coworkers.
Randy: That's a rather specific demographic you indicate. Yet I accept your apology.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Due Process: Date Night
Date Night's flaw is that it fails to fully capitalize on its greatest strengths: Tina Fey and Steve Carell. Putting too much emphasis on the ho-hum plot (a mistaken-identity caper wherein a bored married couple gets swept into a web of crime) and cartoonish stunts that take the focus off Fey and Carell, the movie slows down at the exact moments when it should be speeding up, leaving you to forget for 10-15 minutes at a time just how funny the leads are.
For example, director Shawn Levy makes interesting cinematographic choices in several scenes by playing up a dramatic style (ostensibly to emphasize the humor of the ridiculous situations). And while it's easy to admire Levy's attempts to drive comedy through a dramatic lens, his results dampen the mood and destroy the film's momentum. Watching Date Night in a theater packed with high-school students, I couldn't help but echo their ADHD sentiments during these frequent lulls in comedy.
But when they get the attention they deserve, Fey and Carell are hilarious. Without struggling to top each other as many short-term comedy duos do, each plays into the other's strengths to create some of the funniest moments I've seen in recent years. These laughs rarely stretch beyond a few seconds, though, and they show up inconsistently. Verdict: [B-]
For example, director Shawn Levy makes interesting cinematographic choices in several scenes by playing up a dramatic style (ostensibly to emphasize the humor of the ridiculous situations). And while it's easy to admire Levy's attempts to drive comedy through a dramatic lens, his results dampen the mood and destroy the film's momentum. Watching Date Night in a theater packed with high-school students, I couldn't help but echo their ADHD sentiments during these frequent lulls in comedy.
But when they get the attention they deserve, Fey and Carell are hilarious. Without struggling to top each other as many short-term comedy duos do, each plays into the other's strengths to create some of the funniest moments I've seen in recent years. These laughs rarely stretch beyond a few seconds, though, and they show up inconsistently. Verdict: [B-]
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Hung Jury: Massive Attack
Track: Massive AttackArtist: Nicki Minaj
Randy: Stealing reggae-dancehall marketshare from an AWOL Missy Elliot (not to mention Lil' Kim's hypersexualized stylings), Nicki Minaj bounces together a scrappy, sweaty, tom-tom-banging smasher. Coupled with singer/songwriter Sean Garrett (dude wrote Usher's "Yeah" back in '04, and his R&B resume exploded afterwards), the infectious, alien groove might leave you spotting weird lights in the night sky. Verdict: [B]
Kyle: An assault of awkward jumps and halts, tempo rubato ad nauseum and a female clone of Lil Wayne taking lead vocals, "Massive Attack" is indeed that. But despite the plug-your-ears auditory chaos, Nicki Minaj manages somehow, against all odds, to craft a surprisingly boring track. It feels more like a spirited remix of a simple and formulaic clubbing hit than an original take on the genre. In fact, it's almost impossible to understand Randy's enjoyment of this song--until you hear the non-sequitur "Mister Miyagi" reference. June 11th, Randy. We'll eagerly await your review. Verdict: [C-]
Randy: Without throat cancer, copious auto-tune, or surprisingly witty lyricism, drawing parallels to Lil' Wayne is painful proof that Kyle never actually listened to this track, as I'd suspected. Plus, Kyle's self-contradictions are more confusing than any speeding up and slowing down of the tempo; the inclusion of which pretty much solidifies the track's non-formulaic approach. (Another tip: Know your audience, Kyle. No one except your classically-trained singing girlfriend knows what "tempo rubato" means.)
Kyle: While I understand how Randy's amateur ears could be fooled by Nicki's feigned island-hop accent in the first part of the song, her similarities to Lil Wayne--an inflamed-bronchi tonality and rushed-yet-precise delivery--are pretty obvious upon listening to the song a second time. But I won't blame Randy for giving this subpar track only one listen; instead, I'll just provide a "Skip to the Bad Part" piece of evidence to avoid torturing our massive readership. Randy: For a few lil similarities (get it?), look no farther than your favorite part of the song, here, with the aforementioned Karate Kid reference along with a Mufasa namedrop (gee, remind you of anyone?). Additionally, tempo changes that sound like this are a standard of dancehall remixes. Feel free to read my review of the track (above) where I first point this out.
(Parenthetical response to your attempted condescension: Since she makes up a full 50% of our audience, I think it's fair to use terms recently learned from my classically-trained singer girlfriend.)
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Due Process: Congratulations
Album: CongratulationsArtist: MGMT
MGMT refuses to learn from its success. With Congratulations, they throw out the book on their winning pop-friendly proto-electronica and replace it with tired surfer rock tropes and unwelcome tonal hopscotch.
"Someone's Missing" is obviously missing Michael from the Jackson 5. "Flash Delerium" treads ill-conceived middleground between the Black Kids and the Klaxons. "I Found a Whistle" sounds like a plodding script read of a latter-day M. Night Shyamalan film. While "Brian Eno" and "Lady Dada's Nightmare" are a muse-scramble that fail to emulate or flatter their namesakes. And the title track provides little reassurance for an album that ultimately orchestrates MGMT's precipitous fall.
This surf-rock shame doesn't so much hang ten as it does sit dead in the water. Verdict: [D+]
Skip to the good part: Congratulations
Friday, April 9, 2010
Summons: Losing Light
Some singer/songwriter dude named Billy Polard made this video using Flipnote on his Nintendo DSi. The sketches to this song, "Losing Light," tell a simple, bittersweet tale.
Snap Judgment: Nightcall
Track: "Nightcall"
Album: Nightcall EP
Artist: Kavinsky
Kyle: I don't know anything about Kavinsky. But based on the title track from Nightcall EP, he's an insomniac stalker from the '80s who loves to drive. Also, the girl he's obsessed with happens to be CSS's Lovefoxxx (not Rilo Kiley's Jenny Lewis, as I first thought).
Which goes to say, this song is creepy. It opens with the sounds of a payphone being dialed while crickets chirp in the background, before a wolf's howling leads into a hypnotic throwback synthesizer chord progression. The instrumentals are spot-on '80s: nostalgic and scary at the same time, they form a perfect backdrop to Kavinsky's psychotic singing through a voice-changer (a device used by prank callers and Scream-style murderers to disguise their voices). Serving as counterpoint is Lovefoxxx's vulnerably curious chorus, which underscores the instability of this story's protagonist.
And this sh*t is catchy. Surprisingly so. The plodding rhythms will have your head bobbing in agreement, even as you doubt the caller's intentions when he says "I'm gonna show you where it's dark, but have no fear." Verdict: [A-]
Randy: Kyle's stalker fantasies finally (finally!) gain solid soundtrack footing. This is a David Lynchian "Every Breath You Take," steeped in the warbling, neon shadow of a 1980's rise in violent crime. It'll shock you just how readily your breathing and footsteps match the prowling pace. Verdict: [A-]
Album: Nightcall EP
Artist: Kavinsky
Kyle: I don't know anything about Kavinsky. But based on the title track from Nightcall EP, he's an insomniac stalker from the '80s who loves to drive. Also, the girl he's obsessed with happens to be CSS's Lovefoxxx (not Rilo Kiley's Jenny Lewis, as I first thought).
Which goes to say, this song is creepy. It opens with the sounds of a payphone being dialed while crickets chirp in the background, before a wolf's howling leads into a hypnotic throwback synthesizer chord progression. The instrumentals are spot-on '80s: nostalgic and scary at the same time, they form a perfect backdrop to Kavinsky's psychotic singing through a voice-changer (a device used by prank callers and Scream-style murderers to disguise their voices). Serving as counterpoint is Lovefoxxx's vulnerably curious chorus, which underscores the instability of this story's protagonist.
And this sh*t is catchy. Surprisingly so. The plodding rhythms will have your head bobbing in agreement, even as you doubt the caller's intentions when he says "I'm gonna show you where it's dark, but have no fear." Verdict: [A-]
Randy: Kyle's stalker fantasies finally (finally!) gain solid soundtrack footing. This is a David Lynchian "Every Breath You Take," steeped in the warbling, neon shadow of a 1980's rise in violent crime. It'll shock you just how readily your breathing and footsteps match the prowling pace. Verdict: [A-]
Monday, April 5, 2010
Snap Judgment: Ninja Assassin
Randy: More for Saw fans than for anybody interested in an actual martial arts flick. The shiny-ketchup blood is eye-rolling without eliciting any meaningful, visceral response to the violence. Corny, without the honor of being campy. Verdict: [F]
Kyle: I don't know why Randy rented Ninja Assassin, but I saw it on the big screen (bigger globs of shiny-ketchup blood) when it first came out... knowing it would be bad. I'd say more, if it weren't for its damning lack of memorability--even as a massive failure. Verdict: [F]
Kyle: I don't know why Randy rented Ninja Assassin, but I saw it on the big screen (bigger globs of shiny-ketchup blood) when it first came out... knowing it would be bad. I'd say more, if it weren't for its damning lack of memorability--even as a massive failure. Verdict: [F]
Due Process: The Blind Side
Start a story with a moral in mind, then the story, by neccessity, becomes afterthought. Start a story with a story in mind - as the Blind Side does - then the moral fiber can interweave far more organically. Quote-unquote Christian screenwriters, please, for the love of God, take note. This true story of Baltimore Ravens offensive tackle, Michael Oher, is inspirational, sans (most of) any shoehorned sermonizing. Verdict: [C+]
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Due Process: Rework
The inside cover of Rework states that in reading it, "You'll learn how to be more productive, how to get exposure without breaking the bank, and tons more counterintuitive ideas that will inspire and provoke you." Add the print and web endorsements from hip business savants like Tony Hsieh, Tim Ferriss and Seth Godin, and you have a hot little hardback that's all but guaranteed to underdeliver.
But this is a great book. Penned by Jason Fried and David Heinemeir Hansson, the founders of 37signals, the book is similar in design to their company's software applications: simple and elegant.
But this is a great book. Penned by Jason Fried and David Heinemeir Hansson, the founders of 37signals, the book is similar in design to their company's software applications: simple and elegant.
Snap Judgment: Wu Massacre

Album: Wu Massacre
Artist: Method Man, Ghostface Killah, Raekwon
Like the cover art, Wu Massacre is a comic (and comedic, considering certain interludes) panel of spliced-together, sharply-animated talents. Still, certifiable "Wu bangers" only occasion the roll call, the instrumentals are too listenable for old-school Wu fans, and these three clansmen only do what they already do best. Verdict: [B-]
Skip to the good part: Mef vs Chef 2
Friday, March 26, 2010
Snap Judgment: My Propeller
Album: My Propeller
Artist: Arctic Monkeys
What a head-hung, cavernous drag through four nearly-identical tracks. My Propeller is less consistency, more redundancy, from these (admittedly) typically moody Brit rockers. Only the finale, "Don't Forget Whose Legs You're On," prevented me from stepping off a window ledge. Verdict: [C]
Artist: Arctic Monkeys
What a head-hung, cavernous drag through four nearly-identical tracks. My Propeller is less consistency, more redundancy, from these (admittedly) typically moody Brit rockers. Only the finale, "Don't Forget Whose Legs You're On," prevented me from stepping off a window ledge. Verdict: [C]
Due Process: Fantastic Mr. Fox
That settles it. This is the first kids movie I'll be purchasing for my baby. She's only one month old (she might correct me to say a month-and-a-half), but I have very little faith that a more cleverly-written and directed kids film will arrive anytime before her third birthday. Probably even by her fifth.
George Clooney reprises his role as Danny Ocean, believably stumbling his way through marriage and fatherhood, all while taking on big business, Fern Gully-style.
The crotch-kicking fart-joke reliance of most other kids films--let alone their movie trailers--has me facepalming before I even turn the DVD box over, but that's probably why Fantastic Mr. Fox so winningly succeeds: It's not a "kids movie." At least there's no crotch-kicking, and I didn't hear a single fart joke, which pretty much knocks it out of the kids movie category nowadays anyway. Verdict: [A]
George Clooney reprises his role as Danny Ocean, believably stumbling his way through marriage and fatherhood, all while taking on big business, Fern Gully-style.
The crotch-kicking fart-joke reliance of most other kids films--let alone their movie trailers--has me facepalming before I even turn the DVD box over, but that's probably why Fantastic Mr. Fox so winningly succeeds: It's not a "kids movie." At least there's no crotch-kicking, and I didn't hear a single fart joke, which pretty much knocks it out of the kids movie category nowadays anyway. Verdict: [A]
Snap Judgment: More Malice
Album: More Malice
Artist: Snoop Dogg
A phoned-in verse by Hove on the leading track, "I Wanna Rock (The Kings G-Mix feat. Jay-Z)," is a shoulda-been-better starting point to a schizophrenic jumble of new tracks, coupled with some Malice 'N Wonderland hits and remixes copy-pasted in. Still, the variety feels inorganic but nonetheless compelling. Verdict: [C+]
Skip to the good part: Gangsta Luv (Mayer Hawthorne G-Mix)
Artist: Snoop Dogg
A phoned-in verse by Hove on the leading track, "I Wanna Rock (The Kings G-Mix feat. Jay-Z)," is a shoulda-been-better starting point to a schizophrenic jumble of new tracks, coupled with some Malice 'N Wonderland hits and remixes copy-pasted in. Still, the variety feels inorganic but nonetheless compelling. Verdict: [C+]
Skip to the good part: Gangsta Luv (Mayer Hawthorne G-Mix)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Snap Judgment: The Black Swan - The Impact of the Highly Improbable (prologue and chapters I - III)
Nassim Nicholas Taleb's thesis is interesting enough, if rather dry: that modern statistics has such a focus on the standard bell-curve that outliers are routinely omitted from any given data-set in order to artificially create one. Couple that with his observation that outlying events are not only inevitable, but highly impactful, and you have many critical fields of study that delude themselves on a regular basis. Taleb refers to these outlying events, of course, as Black Swans.
But Taleb's error in these first few chapters is not in his thesis--it's in his delivery. Like an actor overstepping his entertainment boundaries to promote ill-formed political biases, Taleb painfully trips over himself to make snide parenthetical comments regarding irrelevant trivialities. At one point in the first chapter, Taleb uses a paragraph-long footnote to expound his thoughts on why "Levantine" is a more appropriate term than "Lebanese" to describe people from Lebanon (apparently, Lebanon is too new a country to deserve its own -ese just yet). These reckless asides are so frequent and distracting that you have to wonder whether the manuscript ever crossed an editor's desk, or if Random House instead settled for a simple once-over from a team of proofreaders. Perhaps the book itself was a black swan, far more successful than the publisher ever expected based on the minimal editorial attention allotted.
Regardless of what Taleb is focusing on at any given point, the tone of his prose is consistent: presumptuous, professorial, and filled with self-aggrandizement. Take this example from the end of chapter one:
Once, on a transatlantic flight, I found myself upgraded to first class next to an expensively dressed, high-powered lady dripping with gold and jewelry who continuously ate nuts (low-carb diet, perhaps), [and] insisted on drinking only Evian... She kept trying to start a conversation in broken French, since she saw me reading a book (in French) by the sociologist-philosopher Pierre Bourdieu--which, ironically, dealt with the marks of social distinction.
These anecdotes are sprinkled throughout to serve as evidence that Taleb is intelligent and worth our time--if we're worth his. His style is pompous and forced, with occasional jocularity that comes off as contempt; in short, he isn't someone I want to spend 305 pages with, despite my interest in his thesis. And that's the most frustrating part: this book probably does contain worthwhile, exciting information. But you'd have to get past Taleb to find it.
For those interested in the subject matter who also want to enjoy the reading experience, Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers and The Tipping Point are excellent, as is Leonard Mlodinow's revelatory (and happily math-heavy) The Drunkard's Walk. These books all tackle similar concepts to Taleb's but with more veracity and excitement, and none of the self-congratulatory pretense of The Black Swan.
Verdict: [D+]
But Taleb's error in these first few chapters is not in his thesis--it's in his delivery. Like an actor overstepping his entertainment boundaries to promote ill-formed political biases, Taleb painfully trips over himself to make snide parenthetical comments regarding irrelevant trivialities. At one point in the first chapter, Taleb uses a paragraph-long footnote to expound his thoughts on why "Levantine" is a more appropriate term than "Lebanese" to describe people from Lebanon (apparently, Lebanon is too new a country to deserve its own -ese just yet). These reckless asides are so frequent and distracting that you have to wonder whether the manuscript ever crossed an editor's desk, or if Random House instead settled for a simple once-over from a team of proofreaders. Perhaps the book itself was a black swan, far more successful than the publisher ever expected based on the minimal editorial attention allotted.
Regardless of what Taleb is focusing on at any given point, the tone of his prose is consistent: presumptuous, professorial, and filled with self-aggrandizement. Take this example from the end of chapter one:
Once, on a transatlantic flight, I found myself upgraded to first class next to an expensively dressed, high-powered lady dripping with gold and jewelry who continuously ate nuts (low-carb diet, perhaps), [and] insisted on drinking only Evian... She kept trying to start a conversation in broken French, since she saw me reading a book (in French) by the sociologist-philosopher Pierre Bourdieu--which, ironically, dealt with the marks of social distinction.
These anecdotes are sprinkled throughout to serve as evidence that Taleb is intelligent and worth our time--if we're worth his. His style is pompous and forced, with occasional jocularity that comes off as contempt; in short, he isn't someone I want to spend 305 pages with, despite my interest in his thesis. And that's the most frustrating part: this book probably does contain worthwhile, exciting information. But you'd have to get past Taleb to find it.
For those interested in the subject matter who also want to enjoy the reading experience, Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers and The Tipping Point are excellent, as is Leonard Mlodinow's revelatory (and happily math-heavy) The Drunkard's Walk. These books all tackle similar concepts to Taleb's but with more veracity and excitement, and none of the self-congratulatory pretense of The Black Swan.
Verdict: [D+]
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Due Process: Repo Men
I was drunk when I saw Repo Men. My girlfriend, her friend and I went to see it over the weekend and decided to play a game of drinking-Twister first (take more than five seconds to put the right appendage on the right spot and you have to take a drink; fall or sit down and you take two). But we chose Repo Men for that very purpose: a bad movie that, based on the previews, promised to be funny if viewed while intoxicated.
It came through on that promise. Between the awful dialogue ("We just fit, like two pieces of a puzzle"), the terrible acting and directing (there were at least two moments where the lead actress shed a single tear), and the nonsensical-yet-predictable plot, this is a movie that must be viewed drunkenly, if at all. Director Miguel Sapochnik's attempts to impersonate Guy Ritchie fall flat through a series of poorly executed, unnecessary voiceovers by lead Jude Law, and Forest Whitaker's talent is wasted on the two-dimensional script, written by fifth-graders Eric Garcia and Garrett Lerner.
The titular repo men, played by Law and Whitaker, work for a healthcare company in the future that specializes in artificial-organ implants. The obligatory evil-empire twist comes when you find out that these agents actually euthanize former patients when they fall behind on their payments, reclaiming the organs (presumably to resell). But watching the film, it becomes clear that a more insidious evil is taking place in real life as it seeks to claim your brain cells by forcing you to drink more and more Seagram's-spiked Cherry Coke to keep the entertainment value from wearing off. This movie will give you a hangover.
Verdicts: Repo Men [D]; Drunken Twister [A]
Randy: The movie forces you to drink more Seagram's-spiked Cherry Coke? Gee, spoiler much?
It came through on that promise. Between the awful dialogue ("We just fit, like two pieces of a puzzle"), the terrible acting and directing (there were at least two moments where the lead actress shed a single tear), and the nonsensical-yet-predictable plot, this is a movie that must be viewed drunkenly, if at all. Director Miguel Sapochnik's attempts to impersonate Guy Ritchie fall flat through a series of poorly executed, unnecessary voiceovers by lead Jude Law, and Forest Whitaker's talent is wasted on the two-dimensional script, written by fifth-graders Eric Garcia and Garrett Lerner.
The titular repo men, played by Law and Whitaker, work for a healthcare company in the future that specializes in artificial-organ implants. The obligatory evil-empire twist comes when you find out that these agents actually euthanize former patients when they fall behind on their payments, reclaiming the organs (presumably to resell). But watching the film, it becomes clear that a more insidious evil is taking place in real life as it seeks to claim your brain cells by forcing you to drink more and more Seagram's-spiked Cherry Coke to keep the entertainment value from wearing off. This movie will give you a hangover.
Verdicts: Repo Men [D]; Drunken Twister [A]
Randy: The movie forces you to drink more Seagram's-spiked Cherry Coke? Gee, spoiler much?
Due Process: Led Zeppelin - "Dazed and Confused (Gyber Remix)"
I wanted to hate this track. It begins with too little Jimmy Page and too much Gyber (whoever that is). It reduces Robert Plant's classic driving vocals to an annoying, stuttering echo. And it backs all of this with a typical dancehall-breakbeat drumline under a seizure-inducing atonal glitch rhythm. The standard remix instrumentals continue until they become catchy or you throw up, whichever comes first--and the other is sure to follow.
But later, as the song gradually brings in more of Plant's vocals and Page's guitar (supplemented by overdubbing), and gives due focus to John Paul Jones's bassline, eventually it starts to feel more like an homage and less like an awkward, random sampling of soundbites. The beautiful friction that came with being dragged through the emotions of the original song is not here in the slightest, but the original wouldn't translate to a sweat-slicked dance floor tonight. As a pelvic-grinding remix, then, the Gyber version succeeds. Verdict: [C+]
Due Process: Dwight Shrute vs. Lil' Wayne - "Office Musik (Clockwork Edit)"
Rap's current advocate for prolificacy and damning overexposure, Lil' Wayne, teams up with the Office's Dwight Schrute in a mashup that's woefully thin on Dwight Schrute. Still, it's a harmonica- and kick drum-driven remix that'll grind a few minutes off your Outlook calendar. Verdict: [C]
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Due Process: Gentlemen Broncos
Ten minutes in, my only fear was that Gentlemen Broncos wouldn't go all the way. By the time there was only ten minutes to go, I wished they'd reeled it all back in.
Not because of the attach-laser-turrets-to-everything notebook drawings, because I did that. Not from the fantasy/sci-fi author hero worship, because I did that, too. In fact, there's plenty here for library-lurking writers-workshop dorks to draw parallels to: my father always dreamed of raising his kids in a dome home; my mother's clothing was oblivious to both fashion and function; and I often injected pointy-eared, soft-porn scenarios into my private journals.
Regardless, Gentlemen Broncos eventually trades in its anachronistic nostalgia for gross-out gags, and even treats prime awkward-teen-romance real estate as a mishandled sidebar. Verdict: [D]
Skip To The Good Part: The airbrushed, Boris-Valejo recreations of main guy Benjamin's stories are a pulpy piecemeal of Buck Rogers, Top Gun, and Heavy Metal magazine, but certainly don't stop there.
Not because of the attach-laser-turrets-to-everything notebook drawings, because I did that. Not from the fantasy/sci-fi author hero worship, because I did that, too. In fact, there's plenty here for library-lurking writers-workshop dorks to draw parallels to: my father always dreamed of raising his kids in a dome home; my mother's clothing was oblivious to both fashion and function; and I often injected pointy-eared, soft-porn scenarios into my private journals.
Regardless, Gentlemen Broncos eventually trades in its anachronistic nostalgia for gross-out gags, and even treats prime awkward-teen-romance real estate as a mishandled sidebar. Verdict: [D]
Skip To The Good Part: The airbrushed, Boris-Valejo recreations of main guy Benjamin's stories are a pulpy piecemeal of Buck Rogers, Top Gun, and Heavy Metal magazine, but certainly don't stop there.
Snap Judgment: Black Dynamite
Kyle: Black Dynamite is funny and worth your time. Verdict: [B+]
Randy: Though obviously not worth Kyle's time to explicate on.
Kyle: Correct. Because with its B+ grade, it's only one step above a Bobby Womack song.
Randy: That was the part where Kyle tried his hand at writing a Non-Sequitur comic strip. But for the record, Black Dynamite has just enough self-awareness to pull everything off without a hitch. Breaking the fourth wall, tire-damaging plotholes, boom mics dipping into the picture, deus ex machina--this isn't a comedy about a Shaft knockoff. It's a farce on Hollywood action films as a whole. Which was never more painfully obvious until I said it out loud. Just now. Verdict: [B]
Kyle: That was the part where Randy couldn't keep it to a short-and-simple snap judgment and had to get preachy. But his description has my blessing, despite the "tire-damaging plotholes" pun.
Due Process: Broken Bells
Album: Broken BellsArtist: Broken Bells
Brian Burton (nee Danger Mouse) ditched his outsized director's chair in this collaboration with the Shins' James Mercer. And not only that, Burton's shedding much of the bombast informing earlier works with Cee-Lo and MF Doom, even putting chocks on the glitchy bravado splayed on Beck's Modern Guilt. On Broken Bells, Danger Mouse's fingerprint is indeed here, just not his iron fist.
Mercer's vocals deftly shoulder the wavering, electronic undercurrent. His typically bright, guitar-driven outlook from his work with the Shins is cottoned by virtue of Burton's more nuanced hand, not due to donning any jade-colored glasses.
But nothing here challenges your inner ear. In fact, Broken Bells' only drawback is that it's perfectly palatable from the very first listen. There may be very little here that actually fossilizes for future generations. Verdict: [B-]
Skip To The Good Part: The High Road, The Ghost Inside.
Hung Jury: "Cloud of Unknowing"
Track: Cloud of Unknowing
Album: Plastic Beach
Artist: Gorillaz
Randy: R&B elder statesman, Bobby Womack, sits on the leeward side of Plastic Beach’s peak on the “Cloud of Unknowing.” His gravelly gospel rides orchestral air currents, soaring somewhere between the seagulls and the solar system.
While Snoop Dogg is the album’s Wal-Mart greeter, Little Dragon the windswept schoolboy crush, and Albarn’s reticence aligning with his toon’s emo-tossed haircut, Womack croons a breath of spiritual oxygen into an atmosphere otherwise worked into a moody and amnesiac lather.
Without “Cloud of Unknowing” it would be easy to think that Plastic Beach is all fun and games (until somebody gets their heart broken). But Womack’s grandfatherly growl is a guide, serving as a reorientation of the island’s aesthetic compass. It’s less ‘glory hallelujah’ and more ‘rise with the sun,’ before gently descending back to the beach’s looping take-off and landing point on the “Pirate Jet.” Verdict: [A]
Kyle: Objection: For "Cloud of Unknowing," Damon Albarn exhumes the corpse of Robert Womack a second time, puppeting him around like a karaoke version of the title character from Weekend at Bernie's. But without Womack's peculiar blend of overfelt preteen cliches expressed through a box-of-rocks, hurts-your-throat-to-listen post-Motown wail, the final stretch of Plastic Beach would have simply been too good.
Sandwiching Womack's paleolithic groans between Little Dragon and Albarn's stunning "To Binge" and the perfect bookend "Pirate Ship" acts as an auditory palette cleanser, giving the listener a chance to take a breath and turn down the volume for a few minutes before finishing up an otherwise gorgeous album. Womack is a necessity out of fairness to the talent: a retired record agent for the real musicians of Plastic Beach. Verdict: [B]
Album: Plastic Beach
Artist: Gorillaz
Randy: R&B elder statesman, Bobby Womack, sits on the leeward side of Plastic Beach’s peak on the “Cloud of Unknowing.” His gravelly gospel rides orchestral air currents, soaring somewhere between the seagulls and the solar system.
While Snoop Dogg is the album’s Wal-Mart greeter, Little Dragon the windswept schoolboy crush, and Albarn’s reticence aligning with his toon’s emo-tossed haircut, Womack croons a breath of spiritual oxygen into an atmosphere otherwise worked into a moody and amnesiac lather.
Without “Cloud of Unknowing” it would be easy to think that Plastic Beach is all fun and games (until somebody gets their heart broken). But Womack’s grandfatherly growl is a guide, serving as a reorientation of the island’s aesthetic compass. It’s less ‘glory hallelujah’ and more ‘rise with the sun,’ before gently descending back to the beach’s looping take-off and landing point on the “Pirate Jet.” Verdict: [A]
Kyle: Objection: For "Cloud of Unknowing," Damon Albarn exhumes the corpse of Robert Womack a second time, puppeting him around like a karaoke version of the title character from Weekend at Bernie's. But without Womack's peculiar blend of overfelt preteen cliches expressed through a box-of-rocks, hurts-your-throat-to-listen post-Motown wail, the final stretch of Plastic Beach would have simply been too good.
Sandwiching Womack's paleolithic groans between Little Dragon and Albarn's stunning "To Binge" and the perfect bookend "Pirate Ship" acts as an auditory palette cleanser, giving the listener a chance to take a breath and turn down the volume for a few minutes before finishing up an otherwise gorgeous album. Womack is a necessity out of fairness to the talent: a retired record agent for the real musicians of Plastic Beach. Verdict: [B]
Monday, March 22, 2010
Hung Jury: "Melancholy Hill"
Track: On Melancholy Hill
Album: Plastic Beach
Artist: Gorillaz
Kyle: The tonal foundation of "On Melancholy Hill"--the buzzing synthesizer hum--drags the song down like an albatross, carrying through its entirety as a nagging reminder of how it began and where it will end. The sighing backup vocals and Damon Albarn's resigned tone form the emotional texture, while the upbeat piano and chimes act as counterpoints to make the sadness easier to swallow but no less painful to digest.
The track is produced with a scratchy, vinyl-like quality that makes it sound like it's been sitting in someone's attic: this is not a song that takes place as we hear it. It's a memory, slightly faded and sweetened with age as all memories are, but haunted with mournful regret. [A]
Randy: Objection. “On Melancholy Hill” is officially a letter of resignation from Albarn--a dreamer run out of dreams, and, behind the boards, a musical producer warily toeing the line between understated and lazy. Lifting that buzzy cicada synth reveals only lifeless, filmy slackerisms below it, and a might-as-well love story puckering up with all the permanence of a middle school game of MASH. Marshmallow-plucked percussion and scribbling riffs aside, “Melancholy Hill” is life as an interlude, and acquiescence mistaken for romance. That said, it's absolutely mesmeric. [B+]
Album: Plastic Beach
Artist: Gorillaz
Kyle: The tonal foundation of "On Melancholy Hill"--the buzzing synthesizer hum--drags the song down like an albatross, carrying through its entirety as a nagging reminder of how it began and where it will end. The sighing backup vocals and Damon Albarn's resigned tone form the emotional texture, while the upbeat piano and chimes act as counterpoints to make the sadness easier to swallow but no less painful to digest.
The track is produced with a scratchy, vinyl-like quality that makes it sound like it's been sitting in someone's attic: this is not a song that takes place as we hear it. It's a memory, slightly faded and sweetened with age as all memories are, but haunted with mournful regret. [A]
Randy: Objection. “On Melancholy Hill” is officially a letter of resignation from Albarn--a dreamer run out of dreams, and, behind the boards, a musical producer warily toeing the line between understated and lazy. Lifting that buzzy cicada synth reveals only lifeless, filmy slackerisms below it, and a might-as-well love story puckering up with all the permanence of a middle school game of MASH. Marshmallow-plucked percussion and scribbling riffs aside, “Melancholy Hill” is life as an interlude, and acquiescence mistaken for romance. That said, it's absolutely mesmeric. [B+]
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